Shades of Grey

I am taking a stand.  I am putting my very strong opinions out there and they may not be popular with the masses, but I am not concerned about being popular.  I am concerned with what is right and what is wrong and protecting my family.

Our world today lives in shades of gray.  Absolute right and wrong is dismissed as being judgemental and intolerant.  As I have gotten older I know that life isn't always black and white and sometimes grey areas exist. So many social issues are polarizing and divisive.  Pornography is one of those that many see as a shade of grey.  In many circles it is accepted as normal and acceptable.  My circle is not one of those.  My family has been affected by pornography. My strong stand  is that any form of pornography (and I include not only hard core porn but also things like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue as porn) is unacceptable.  It is addictive and can destroy marriages and damages so many, it absolutely ruins our young children's perceptions of what a healthy relationship is, it desensitizes those who watch it so they need to find more hard core material to satisfy their addictions. Not to mention it degrades and dehumanizes women and fuels the sex trafficking trade.

I am sure you have heard of the movie 50 Shades of Grey coming out on Valentine's weekend.   It is being marketed as a romance. It depicts a young, introverted, innocent woman who meets an older, rich, powerful sexy man.  They develop a relationship mostly sexual in nature.  I won't go into detail because I want my children to be able to read my blog and I don't need to share specifics.  The relationship is not a healthy one, Christian Gray coerces, manipulates and controls Ana to the point of emotional and sexual abuse.  I am not the only one who thinks this, there are many psychologists and feminists who also believe the same way (I will provide links to articles at the end of the post). 

When the book first came out I got a free sample of a chapter on my kindle.  Having never heard of the books I read a few paragraphs of it until I couldn't stand anymore. The writing was absolutely awful and the sexual content was so graphic it made me sick. 

The other day I was in line and had two teenage girls behind me.  They started discussing the books and how sexy Christian Grey was. They both stated how they wanted a man like him.  Again I got sick to my stomach and turned around, I planned to say something to them but when I did I realized their Mom was standing there as well and heard the whole thing. She said nothing. I was in shock.

It frightens me that a movie that barely dodged an NC-17 rating is mainstream. It is pornography plain and simple playing right in regular movie theatres. Teens will see this movie, young adults will see this movie. What is it teaching them about relationships? Why is this okay??  It isn't a shade of grey, this is a black and white issue and it is wrong. 

I guess the questions should be, would you want your daughter in a relationship with a man like this? Would you want your son to become a man like this? I would think most would say no. 

We must take a stand, here is a petition to sign against the movie. Boycott it next weekend, encourage others to do so as well. Instead give $50 to a battered women's shelter

https://www.lifesitenews.com/petitions/50-shades-boycott

Here are a few articles regarding the movie:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/05/activists-fifty-shades_n_6621840.html

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/02/05/truth-about-fifty-shades-grey-movie-glamorizes-sexual-violence-domestic-abuse/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carey-purcell/fifty-shades-of-grey-feminism_b_2395932.html

Oh yeah...ME TOO!

(I have no idea why my text is all messed up with white background on part of this post.  I'm done trying to figure it out.)

The other day I was scrolling through facebook when a friend of mine asked this question:

"Ok, just out of curiosity, has anyone had a home energy report that was efficient? Or close to your neighbors? Both our Questar and Rocky Mountain Power energy reports are like off the charts. It's like crazy bad."

I said, "ME TOO! This happens to us every month!"  This question caught my eye because every single month on our power bill it states that we have used the most energy of anyone in our neighborhood and tells us we need to do better at conserving energy.  It makes zero sense that we use the most, we have one of the smaller homes in our neighborhood.  But every month it makes me feel a little bit guilty.  However from the other comments on my friend's post, it seems like almost EVERYONE else also gets this notice that they use the most power in their neighborhood. Apparently the power company likes to make everyone feel bad about their power use too ;).  It sounds totally silly, but seeing others comment that they also get this notice made me feel 100 times better.

I have been thinking about this over the last couple of days.  Why did reading that other people get the notice too make me feel so much better?  I know it's because I realized I wasn't the only one, I felt validated. So if something as trivial as knowing others felt this way about  a power bill,  how much more impactful is it when we truly open ourselves up and share the hard stuff?

Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook and other social media show us snapshots of everyone's highlight reel.  Rarely do we see the hard, messy, real part of life.  We don't open ourselves up to that, I for one am a bit afraid of what others might think if they see it or know about it, I don't open myself up to many people very often.

However,  vulnerability and  sharing the real stuff can not only help us, but it can help other people realize they aren't alone!  We don't have to be negative about life to do this, but we can share the reality of life with each other.

So I am about to get real here and share a few things that are going on with me.  If you feel so inclined, share some of your messy life as well.  

So here are a few things I am struggling with right now:

• One of my children is not being included socially by his so called friends.   Deep down I think I  knew  it was happening but tonight I saw it with undeniable proof when I saw the entire group together and nobody had thought to include my son.  It breaks my Mommy heart and I don't know that there is anything I can do about it.
• I have so much going on in my life and in my brain and  I have forgotten many things recently (it doesn't help that my phone loses appointments I have put in it).  I appear to be a total flake sometimes.
• My house is disorganized and messy much of the time.  Our kitchen, closet space and bedrooms are a fraction of the size we came from in Vegas.  If someone shows up at my house unexpected I am embarrassed....when I know someone is coming I clean  like a crazy lady. 
• Money is really tight, I am looking for a job or a way to earn some more money.  I want to find something to do from home so I don't have to leave my 4 year old with a babysitter.  Kids are more expensive the older they get and I see the future with missions, college and weddings and feel great anxiety.
• I miss my community of friends in Vegas.  I miss them terribly.  It's been a year and I think I miss them more than I did a year ago.  I miss that my ward was my family.  I feel like those friends really know who I am, they love me and my family for who we really are.  I know it takes time to build those relationships (we lived in Vegas for 12 years), but it doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache for that even a year later. We went to visit last week and it was wonderful to see them, but it made all of us miss our "framily" even more.  

So there you go, some of the not so picturesque moments in my life that I don't open up and share with very many people.

 What are you worried about?  What plays over and over in your brain?  Do you ever feel like you aren't enough as a woman, wife or mother?  Do you worry for your kids (of course you do, we all do!)  Do you think your life isn't as good as others?  Do you worry what people will think of you if you are vulnerable?

I have been pondering this for a couple of days.  I don't have any answers but I do know when others share their heart with me it makes me feel so good... 1. that they would share with me and 2. it usually helps me feel better about my life as well.

So what do you say we share more of real life with other people?  

Riverton Retreat

On January 10th, I co-presented at a Power of Moms mini-retreat in Riverton, UT with a great group of women.  We had about 25 in attendance and it was a wonderful morning.  We talked about Family Systems, which are based on 3 systems that all successful companies and organizations have. So we scale those down a bit and apply them to families. They are a family economy (work and money), family legal system (rules and consequences) and a family culture (traditions, love rituals...basically the glue that holds families together).

Here are my amazing co-trainers Lacy (on the left), me and Mandy (on the right).  We worked really well together.  Basically as trainers we are discussion facilitators.  I love hearing the comments and small group discussions these women have.

We had fantastic discussions with this group of amazing, deliberate Mothers.  I really think if we had enough time with these groups of Moms that come to retreats we could solve so many of the world's problems :).  

Some of my big take aways from this retreat are to have positive assumptions about my kids, have a "chef's helper" every night for dinner to divide up dinner responsibilities and to better teach my kids how to cook, work on teaching generosity with money, "brand" our family better (by that I mean create more things to have a stronger family identity), work with my husband on infusing our home with more a positive atmosphere. I remembered so many positive tools that I haven't used for a while, man I love these retreats.

I love these retreats, I have been to 5 or 6  at this point and even though the content is the same with each, I learn something new every time.  It refocuses me and helps me set new goals for our family.  We had a great time, we laughed a lot and I feel like I have new friends.  Thanks to those who came and made it so great!

Bloggin, schnogging...

I am finding a hard time being motivated in blogging. Part of it is, there is a big blog post I need and want to write, but I want to do it right and I'm nervous about communicating it well, so I sit in front of the computer and start writing and get writer's block.  I think I have about 5 drafts of it.   This is not that post.  Here is my attempt to get back into it. Don't expect much because I'm getting back into it sloooooowly.

I have lived away from a real Autumn season for 13 years.  (I know I have Vegas friends who claim Vegas has fall, you need to come to Utah for September and October and experience it for reals).  I.AM.IN.LOVE.  Wow it's beautiful.  Love the vibrant yellows, oranges and REDS (reds are my favorite). I love the smell of fall,  love the slight chill in the air, love the crunchy leaves on the ground.  I have always claimed that spring was my favorite season...I think fall is tied for the favorite now.  We have been to the mountains a few times recently, we have gone on drives and on a hike.  Absolutely breathtaking!

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Since we moved here I have been looking for a part time job to supplement the family budget.  A friend of mine started selling Younique makeup and encouraged me to look into.  I blew it off for a bit because I did NOT want to do direct sales.  It's not really me, but the more I looked into it and the more I prayed about it, the more I knew it was just what I was looking for.  I do it all from my computer or phone on my time and schedule.  The investment was minimal and Younique is a great company based on great values.  So I took the plunge and did it.  It has been a huge blessing for our family, plus it is fun!  

Here are my before and after photos, top is with my regular mascara, bottom is with the Younique 3D mascara.  It is a product that says what it will do.  The other cosmetics they sell are fantastic too.   I promise I won't get all sales pitchy on here, but it is a big part of what I'm doing these days.  If you want to host an online party or want to check out the products my website it:

www.cheringlashlove.com

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Does anyone else get overwhelmed when watching all the scary stuff on the internet?  ISIS, Ebola etc etc.  I have been having horrible dreams lately and I'm sure it's from hearing about all this negative.  How do you combat it?  How do you stay informed without being consumed with worry?  

These 6 people along with our extended family mean the world to me and their well being, safety and healthy is so important to me, so I can't help myself sometimes.  

However when I immerse myself in God's word and put my trust in Him it helps my anxiety greatly.  Here's a recent scripture I came across in my study recently in Doctrine and Covenants chapter 6 verses 34 and 36.  I need to plaster it everywhere, so I remember it!

 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Come on Mom..

My kids start school on Wednesday. We have had a great summer, but today I wanted to do one more big "hurrah". We have passes to a couple of local water parks and so this afternoon we drove to one we hadn't been to all summer. It was so much fun to play together as a family.

To be perfectly frank I really do not like the water park. I don't like donning a swimsuit, I don't like the crowds, I'm not a fan of the big huge fast slides. BUT....I really really love my kids. They love going to these parks A LOT, so I go and I do have fun once we are there. You know, I don't really even think of myself in the swimsuit once we are there because guess what? This isn't about me, this is about them.

I spent much of my time in the kiddie area today with my 6 and 4 year old while my husband was with my older boys on the big slides, which is just fine by me.  I was having fun watching them go down some small slides when my daughter said, "Come on Mom and go with us!" I hesitated because not many parents were going. But I went and my two littles couldn't have been more delighted, their faces just lit up when I went down after them.  We went over and over again and laughed and laughed.

Playing and laughing with them and with my older kids and husband (as we did venture on some of the bigger slides with them) was medicine for my soul.  I need to play and laugh more with them.  There was no bickering, no impatience, it was just plain fun.  It's an investment into our relationship account so when things are tough there is enough invested when a withdrawal happens. I need to remember that having FUN is a secret ingredient to a happy Mom and happy kids.  And I need to just get in the water and go down the slides...figuratively speaking.  

Mini retreat

This post will be a bit boring because I forgot to take any pictures during this mini retreat.  This was my first retreat where I was in charge of all the details, and I forgot the picture detail.  I think I covered the rest of the details, so that's pretty good for my first time right?  I wasn't super nervous for teaching, I was nervous that I had all the details taken care of (that isn't necessarily my strength), but it worked out.

I had a great co-presenter in Lacy Anderson, this was her first retreat being a presenter.  She did amazing and is a natural teacher.  Thanks Lacy, you made it easy to do this with you!

We had a small group for the retreat, 13 total.  But it was actually really nice that it was small.  Lots of participation and we could talk about specific questions and be more personal.  The group we had was a really wonderful group of Moms who gave fantastic insights and participated so much.  Thank you ladies for being so great!

Some of my favorite insights from the retreat were:

• You will always have people who disagree with the choices you make in parenting.  You must get to the point where you are at peace with your choices and who you are and just thank them for input and let it go.
• What is unique about you?  Write it down, come up with POSITIVE unique things about yourself and celebrate and develop those.  Develop YOU so you have more to give to your kids.
• Find out what your "motherhood identity" is. Create your own "brand" of motherhood and become comfortable with that.  What do you think of when you think of Nike or Coke?  That is their brand, develop that for yourself.
• Write a motherhood "mantra".  If someone were to ask what you believe about motherhood or something you believe in, you could "sell" your brand in a couple of short sentences.
• Write a mantra about how you want to mother, one participant's mantra is, "Be kind, cherish the moments and love them."  Simple, yet a good reminder of what she wants to be as a Mother.
• Validate yourself, when you do something well pat yourself on the back (or the tush like athletes) and say, "Good job me! or Good game!"  Heaven knows our kids don't validate us, we need to do it for ourselves.  Write it down, give yourself kudos for doing a great job!
• Avoid the compare snare, be careful of social media.  Your children want you!
• Balance can be an unattainable goal, learn to "tilt" instead.  Sometimes you are tilting toward a newborn baby, sometimes you are tilting toward sick children or a difficult teen or a school carnival you are in charge of.  The goal is balance for a lifetime, not balance for a day or a week.

I love these retreats, no matter if I'm an attendee or a presenter, I learn so much and get so recharged.  It was a great night with amazing Moms.  We figured there were 45+ kids represented there with these Moms and the ripple effect can be huge if even one thing these women learn is implemented and makes them better Moms.  I'm so grateful for the Power of Moms organization and all they are doing to strengthen families.

You are invited....

Back in this post I talked about fulfilling my dream as a Power of Moms trainer.  I went to Albuquerque (even learned how to spell it) in March and had a fantastic opportunity to present at a retreat.  I loved  every minute of it.  You can read here about how these retreats have impacted our family greatly.

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Me with Tiffany Sowby as a presenter in ABQ

Me with April Perry, co-founder of Power of Moms and Tiffany 

at the Vegas retreat in 2013

Some photos of an all day retreat.  A lot of interaction and discussion happens

at these events.

Now I am excited to begin holding "mini retreats" with the same information presented in all day retreats just broken down into 2-3 hour evening or Saturday morning classes.  Many Moms have a hard time taking an entire day away from their families.  This will perhaps allow more women to attend and get this valuable information and experience of gathering with other like minded, deliberate Mothers.  

The first mini retreat I will be presenting at (with another POM trainer) will be held on August 1st in the Salt Lake area. We will be talking about finding peace, purpose and joy in Motherhood.  I promise there will be much support, interaction and discussion.  You will come away feeling uplifted and empowered.  If you are interested in attending, or hosting one of these events, please let me know.  I would love to have you attend or teach one in your home with your friends/family.