Teachers are amazing!

Tonight we went to Parent Teacher conferences for my middle schooler.   This boy of mine is talented, awesome and super smart.  School isn't necessarily his thing because it requires sitting still for long periods of time and he's a mover and a shaker.  He's also funny and loud and super social.  He can be a bit disruptive in class sometimes due to those things.

Those teachers are so gifted at seeing past the behaviors and seeing him for who he is.  Every single teacher said how much they enjoy him and think he's so great and funny.  One thing that made me happy is they said he's never disrespectful to them even when he's being corrected.  I'm so proud of him, he's such a good kid. They were totally willing to work with him and find ways to motivate him.

Sad to say that sometimes as a mom I need reminders of how awesome my kid is.  It's always nice to hear other adults say good things about my kids and give me that little reminder of what a great kid I have.

Teachers are undervalued and underpaid and deserve to be compensated for shaping our future society.  Thank you times a million for your patience, perspective and talents!

In the trenches featuring Kay

Today I am featuring my Instagram friend Kay West.  We started following each other in the past few months and I have really come to enjoy her content and what light she puts into the world.  Her Instagram account is threetoquesandtiara, go follow her!

Kay and her husband Brad have been married for 20 years. They have two children Isaac and Eden, ages 14 and 15.  Her perspective on life and motherhood is inspiring.  They live in Utah but are Canadian by birth. She has been through so much, yet has such faith and optimism.

Tell me about your journey to motherhood.

I went through years of infertility.  It was painful and so difficult.  However I  know that the children you are meant to have in your family are supposed to be there and they come to you in various ways. I have two children who we adopted from birth.  We also had another little foster daughter who we had from birth until age 1 and then the adoption failed.  It was very difficult to lose her, however I know she is with the family she is supposed to be with.

My daughter has many special needs, some came from her biological moms choices when she was pregnant and some are just because Eden is who she is.  She has Fetal Alcohol syndrome, brain damage, autism, scoliosis and serious allergies.   She was severely bullied by some boys  in 7th grade to the point I had to pull her out and home school her for a couple of years.  She really only has one friend.  We are now trying to integrate her into some mainstream and special needs programs through the schools.

My son is so compassionate and kind, I'm sure a lot of that has to do with his sister.  He looks out for those who don't have friends and is such a nice kid.

What advice would you give to have kids and adults interact with those with special needs?

Sometimes adults make it worse.  Kids are naturally curious and kind, but adults tell them not to stare or walk away.  Let the kids be curious and ask questions in kind ways.  Don't label the kids, just let them become friends without telling them, "That child has autism or down syndrome etc". Just let them love them and be kind.

What advice would you give other moms?

Motherhood was never meant to be picture perfect.  It never goes as planned and that's okay.  It's okay not to have it all together.  Don't worry about perfection.  As long as your kids know they are loved at the end of the day, that's what matters.

How do you keep yourself healthy emotionally through these challenges?

I turn to Heavenly Father even when I don't want to.  My husband is so kind and patient with me and helped me see during a particularly difficult time that I was turning away from God, and if I turned to him it would help me so much.  He was right!

I put my phone away at 9:30 at night and I don't pick it up again until the morning after I've read scriptures and prayed.  I also put my phone away Saturday night and don't do any social media on Sundays.  It's a good time for me to focus on my family and worshipping God without distraction.

What brings your joy as a mom?

Watching them become independent and making good choices.  Watching them learn they are children of God and knowing who they are.

Our family has started a little business/campaign.  It's called Quietly being kind campaign.  My daughter is an artist and draws little creatures/animals.  We have made them into postcards and sell them and a portion of the proceeds goes towards a charity of our choice that benefits special needs kids.  We have an Instagram account and website called quietlybeingkind.com.

How have you kept your marriage strong in the midst of challenges?

Much of it is my husband.  He is kind and sweet and patient. We have learned to work together and trust and support one another.  We don't ever speak ill of each other in front of anyone.  God is our partner in everything we do.

How has motherhood changed you?

I'm more patient for sure.  I understand how to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life.  He always makes up the difference of my shortcomings!

Thank you Kay, you are truly inspiring!  

In the trenches featuring Marjorie

Today I am featuring a dear friend of mine.  I have learned so much about raising fantastic, responsible, hard working kids from my friend Marjorie.  She has 6 children ages 8-22, 3 boys, 3 girls.   She is a runner and biker and one of the most determined people I've ever met. She also happens to be a Grandma (a VERY young one) to one little cutie.  She and her husband Jason have been married for 23 years.  I have spent so much time with this family that my kids call their kids their "Vegas cousins."   I know them well and you won't find better people anywhere!

What surprised you the most about motherhood?

The sheer exhaustion.  I wasn't expecting that.  I knew it would be hard and I would be tired, but I wasn't expecting it to be so exhausting.

I also was surprised by the fierce love I had for this child.  I felt so strongly about this tiny helpless creature.

What is the best advice you've gotten?  

My mom and dad are amazing powerhouse parents and I have learned much from them.  My dad has been in education for many years and is so good with kids.  He especially loves the "knucklehead" kids .  He taught me that the hardest kids to love need it the most.  As an adult you have to keep your cool.  Also keep your word to your kids, if you promise to do something do it.  To go along with that, choose your words and battles carefully.  If you threaten a consequence you'd better follow through.

What do you remember about your mom growing up and what did you learn from her?

My mom was so patient and kind.  She never complained about my crafting or kitchen messes.  She was so patient in teaching me how to sew and cook and clean and do laundry.  She was so willing to teach me no matter what I wanted to learn.  I never remember her getting impatient with me or frustrated.  She was great about slipping her testimony about spiritual things into everyday situations and she told great stories.

What advice would you give to other moms?

Forget about being perfect!  You're not ever going to be perfect, let it go!  It allows both of you to make mistakes and try again tomorrow.  Let the little things that don't really matter go.  The relationship with you kids is the most important, focus on that.

What is hard for you in motherhood?  

EVERYTHING!!  Watching my kids fight with each other, disrespectful behavior, letting them fail when I know that I could solve it, but I shouldn't

What brings you joy?

Watching my kids laugh and play together and build relationships, watching my kids learn and discover the world, my kids unconditional love for me, big hugs from my teenage boys, seeing therm excel and find things they love to do.

How do you have fun as a family?

We play a lot of card games.  We are very active, we love to play soccer at the park, throw the football, play frisbee golf.   We love the outdoors and love to camp and hike.  I love to be in the kitchen with my kids.  Right now my 16 year old son is learning how to cook and it's been fun hanging out in the kitchen with him.

In 30 years what do you want them to remember about their childhood?

I want them to remember that I loved them no matter what. I want them to know I loved them enough to correct them, that  I loved and served all of God's children no matter their circumstances or appearances.  I want them to remember I played with them, read to them, made time for them and listened to them.

The soft place....

Four and a half years ago we moved 400 miles away from our home in Las Vegas where we had lived for 12 years.   My oldest son was 14 and was in the middle of his freshman year of high school.  My others were 12 (7th grade), 8, 6 and 3.   We moved back to the city where my husband and I grew up and where much of our family still lived.  We have a lot of friends here as well.  I naively believed that because of knowing so many people here and being familiar with this city that the move would be smooth and easy.   I'm not sure why I believed that because even going to the grocery store is complicated when you have 5 children!

The reality is, it has not been smooth or easy.  Moving teenagers or kids of any age, (but especially teens in middle and high school) from their dear friends of 12 years is not easy.    It was a challenging time in their lives and has continued to have it's challenges.   We moved to a very established neighborhood where kids have lived their whole life and had been in a friend group since elementary school.   It's tough to break into that social structure. This is not to criticize the people in the neighborhood we live in, they are very warm and friendly, its just the facts of moving when your kids are older.  

It was challenging to go to school and be the new kid, the fact is, it has taken a long while for them to find their people and honestly some still struggle.  It was hard to hear kids talk about social activities and not be invited.  It became very apparent that our home needed to become their "soft place to fall".    The atmosphere at our home needed to be one of positivity and acceptance where they knew they were loved no matter what.  That meant some things had to be put on the back burner because they were less important than my children feeling loved and knowing we were in their corner.  I remember a conversation with my sister.  I was telling her my boys were pushing back against scouting advancements and merit badges.  She wisely said, "Your kids have had a huge life change. What is more important, scouting or your relationship with your boys?"  Of course the relationship was of utmost importance, I just needed a reminder. 

The last four years we have really focused on our home being the place our kids could come and just relax and be themselves.  Since they haven't had tons of social activities outside of school, we have greatly enjoyed having them at home more.  We have listened to their music, watched their movies and laughed at their youtube videos.  We have really learned who they are.  As much as I want them to have friends, I have found as they have found friend groups and go to social things I find I miss having them around.  

Is your home a soft place to fall?  What does that mean to you?  To us it means to drop our agenda of what we think  their lives should look like.  They need to have the power to choose their course.  It means they know they are accepted as they are, no stipulations.  Their worth has nothing to do with their accomplishments or social activities.  Their worth is innate and we value them wherever they are on their path.  This doesn't mean they don't have accountability to help around the house or to let schoolwork go by the wayside, or to not have a job and learn to work...what it means is that we are loving and positive and kind.  We teach and encourage, never put down or discourage them.  

I am grateful for this move.  The lessons I have learned in the last 4.5 years have been life changing.  What can you do today to create a soft place for you children?

In The Trenches

I am starting a regular feature on the blog and Instagram.  I will be sharing a spotlight on Moms I admire who are "in the trenches of Motherhood.  I will share about real, amazing, women I know personally, some who are dear friends and family and some whom I admire via Instagram.  This feature will happen weekly and I am asking them to share real feelings, experiences, stories and advice.  I know as I get to know these women better through reading their answers I am amazed at their depth, strength, humor and resilience.  They are super women!

I hope this doesn't appear to be self serving, but the first spotlight I am doing is about my motherhood journey.   I figure I should be willing to answer the same questions I am asking these women and you can get to know me a bit better.

Tell us about your motherhood journey:

I have 5 children ages 8-19, 4 boys and a girl.  My Motherhood journey started over 40 years ago.  I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  I played with dolls until I was 12, I became an aunt at age 8 and absolutely loved my nieces and nephews. I loved babysitting and playing with young children.  I majored in early childhood education because I loved children and found I was really good with them. I married my husband David at age 25 and after a year of marriage we wanted to try for a baby.  We were able to get pregnant fairly quickly, but ended up losing that baby at 7 weeks.  I was surprised at the grief I felt over that loss, I had only known for 2 weeks that I was pregnant but I did grieve.  After the miscarriage it  took us about a year to get pregnant with my oldest son.  We were able to have our older two boys close together and I thought we would have our kids 2 years apart and be good.  However between our 2nd and 3rd sons we dealt with some secondary infertility due to some uterine firbroids that threw our plan for a loop, so we have a 4 year gap.  I was able to have my 3 youngest children fairly close together (with actually another miscarriage thrown in between #4 and 5), and those 5 completed our family.  There are lots of stories with all of those pregnancies, my last three pregnancies were difficult,  but that is for another post.

What has surprised you most about motherhood?

How hard it is!  I thought with my love of children and all of my experience and education that it would be easier for me. The saying, "I was the perfect mother before I had children," certainly applies to me haha.  Motherhood has humbled me and driven me to my knees many many times.  It has exposed my weaknesses (many of which I thought were strengths previously) and has made me realize how much I DON'T know about children. I also think the mental load we as moms carry is exhausting.   I have days I want to run a way for a bit and not deal with it, however that mental load NEVER goes away.  Even when I was on a cruise with my husband for a week away from my kids, that worry and responsibility of being the mom was constant.  Also the letting go of them as they get older is hard for me.

What do you love about motherhood? What brings you joy?

I love really looking into my children's faces.  I love the sparkle and joy in their eyes.  I love to laugh with them, teach them, and experience the world with them through new eyes. I love to read to them.   I love watching them grow into the people they are supposed to become. I LOVE to travel with them.  I love to be in nature and to share my love of the outdoors with them makes me so happy.  When my son texts me a picture of the sunset or my missionary son takes pictures of the beauty around him and emails it to me because he knows I would love it, it brings me great joy.

What is the best advice you have received as a mom?

My mom has always said, "This too shall pass."  I have found that to be mostly true.  Potty training has passed,  zombie mom from newborns has passed, tantrums from toddlers has passed.  However other things have also passed by like sweet baby smiles, chubby toddler bellies and kids learning how to read.  It is good advice to live by, don't let the good pass you by focusing on the challenges.

But there are other things in life and motherhood that may never pass.  There are circumstances that might be difficult that may not pass and we may have to live with for life.  I won't go into detail, but just know that advice doesn't work for everyone and everything.

What is advice you could give a new mom?

Make yourself a priority!  It is not selfish to care for yourself because nobody else will be.  Have daily self care habits that are non-negotiable.  Soak this whole experience in, write things down, take photos, but not too many that you miss the moments because you're always behind the phone.  Put the phone down and laugh and play and read with your babies.  It's hard and it's okay to admit that and acknowledge it.  ASK FOR HELP! Find your tribe. I know the end of the night you are exhausted and want to just be DONE.  But take an extra two minutes with your kids at night and lay by them and talk to them.  Connect with them at all ages and stages.  When your kids invite you into their world, TAKE THE INVITATION!

How do you feed your soul?  What do you do for self care?

Reading scriptures and other inspirational books, podcasts, prayer, temple attendance.  Going to lunch with dear friends (preferable no more than 3-4 at a time so we can REALLY talk).  Getting into nature regularly, walking, belly laughing, good music and good food.

How do you avoid the comparison trap?

Gratitude.  Gratitude is my key to contentment in my life.  A daily practice of gratitude is a game changer for me.  Writing it down, but also saying out loud what I'm grateful for puts my life into perspective.

this is my hilarious 3rd child...I promise I'm not rolling my eyes at him in this photo...but it has been known to happen a few times in his 13 years of life.  He's awesome!

Share a humorous story about motherhood.

My third son is hilarious.  He is probably the most observant child I've ever met.  He is extremely smart and was talking VERY well before age 3.  He also has no filter whatsoever.  He was right around 3 and I took him to the grocery store, just he and I to have some one on one time.  We rounded the corner and he saw a woman who was on our aisle and said very loudly, "MOM WHY DOES SHE HAVE THE BIGGEST BUM IN THE WORLD?"  I mean there was no way she didn't hear it.  I wanted to crawl in a hole!  We quickly left that aisle and I went to the opposite end of the store to shop.  Unfortunately we saw her several more times in the store and he would say, "THERE SHE IS MOM!"  She gave me lots of dirty looks and I just didn't know what to do about it!  It was embarrassing for me, but he was just stating what he observed.  I tried to explain that it wasn't very nice to say that, but he was three and he was just stating a fact that he found to be true in his little mind.  Oh man!  There have been many other stories with this child that are pretty entertaining.

I have no idea....

There are just some days that I throw up my hands and have no idea what to do.  Today is one of those.   I can't go into much detail because I have teenagers and have to respect their privacy.  The issues with kids get more complicated as they get older and they deserve their privacy and not having it blasted all over social media.

Honestly though, I do know what to do.  I know I need to just love them, stay calm, be their soft place and consistent rock in their ever changing world of hormones, friends etc.  There are just days that drain me and make me wish I had toddlers again!

Don't get me wrong, teens can be so much fun.  My teens are good and respectful and helpful most of the time.  But sometimes we have days where it's rough.  Today I think our rough day was because this week has been very stressful and I am completely drained.  So really it's more about me than it is about them.  They weren't acting any differently....they were being normal teenagers.  I was the one who was sort of acting like.....a toddler/teenager!  LOL!

This link leads you to  of my favorite videos about teens.  Testing our limits is exactly what they are supposed to do!  We have to be that steady bar that sets boundaries and limits.   Just writing this blog post helped me process my day!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m51Qf8fc4UA

The mountains are calling....

One of our favorite activities to do in the summer time is to head up to the mountains.  We live in a beautiful state with plenty of options to get into nature.  We are fortunate to have a family cabin we can go to a few times a summer where there is ample fishing, playing in the river and brook and lots of exploring, throwing rocks in the water and getting muddy. 

In my opinion getting outdoors into nature is one of the very best activities families can do to create memories and build relationships.  There is nothing better than soaking up vitamin D, hearing the running water of the river and occasionally seeing deer, moose and bunnies.  Hiking is a great way to set a goal and achieve it and to help our kids do something hard maybe they never imagined they could.  Here is a link to an article about the benefits of nature.  A quote from the article:

"Being outside feels good. Children are free to explore, move about, and make noise; all delightful forms of self-expression that are often restricted indoors. Being in nature enables children to run, jump, hop, skip, climb, roll, and shout, which relaxes, and reduces tension, anxiety, and restlessness.

Researchers have found that outdoor play calms children with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Furthermore, nature enhances a sense of peace and often brings out nurturing qualities in children. Many energetic children slow down to dig a hole in sand, watch a ladybug crawl, or spend focused time playing with a stick in a mud puddle."

Even if you don't have a family cabin or live near the mountains there are opportunities to get into nature everywhere.  Exploring new and different places is one of our favorite things to do.  We have done geocaching which is kind of like treasure hunting, that is a fun way to explore and go different places. 

Letting your children explore, take risks, climb, get dirty, learn new motor skills by climbing trees, jumping over streams, building dams in rivers etc is a great way for them to learn and not even realize they are learning new things!

Teaching our kids to enjoy the slow and simple pace of nature and to be present with them is a wonderful way to combat the ever increasing fast paced society we live in.  Learning to enjoy the simplicity that comes when we are in God's creations is a beautiful lesson to teach our children.

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."

Eleonora Duse